The End of an Era

It won't be too long now until New Year's. An entire decade has gone by, and for me, feels just like yesterday when we hit 2000. I thought it would be fun to go over each year, and think back to all the wonderful, and sometimes painful memories I've experienced. This Decade has shaped me into who I am today, and in many ways, who I hope to become.

But that's not to say the 90s weren't in any way important to me aswell. They shaped the first half of my life up until this point. But that is for a different time.

The first few years of the new millennium were in a way, rough on me. In 2000 I had to deal with constant depression and social anxiety at school. Add to that the fact of my Grandmother coming to live with us for a period made it especially difficult. She was ill and was a handful during many days. Eventually she left, though I'm not certain as to when.

2001 was a good year for me. Particularly the summer and winter breaks. I would often go into my backyard and take my action figures on little adventures, even making "movies" out of it. I'd act out the scenes and even mouth the sound effects, it was pretty fun I remember. From the at the time newly released Lego Bionicle sets, to Transformers and even Gundam robots, they all had an adventure at least once (or in my case, hundreds of times).

I remember September 11th pretty vividly aswell. Though I can't say I felt any genuine remorse (I didn't understand the concept fully at that time), I remember sitting in class and the teacher announcing "something happening in New York". It's strange to hear one talk about something like Pearl Harbor, because I wasn't there, nor born in that time. But now I know what it was like to grow up through an immense tragedy. Even now something of that grand magnitude is hard to comprehend.

2002 itself was a well rounded year. Most of it consisted of hanging out with my friend Zack, who I was introduced to that year, and playing Resident Evil games (which is was also introduced to that year). It had it's great moments, like the release of Episode II (which after all my excitement still never got to see it in theaters), and kissing a girl for the first time. But it also had it's bad moments. I had a rough relationship with my friend John, aswell as some other issues with close friends. As a result of my social problems with school, and another major event that I was unfortunate enough to experience involving my family (indirectly involving school), I decided that the next year I would be homeschooled. One really good thing to come out of 2002, was my progressing interest in a band I never thought I would ever become a fan of. Metallica. I bought their fifth album ("Metallica", dubbed the Black album), and have been a big fan of their music ever since.

2003 is foggy, but I do remember being pretty depressed during that time. In the early months I lost my dog from sickness, and had trouble keeping in touch with friends from school. I desperately wanted to have someone to call a "best" friend again. Since the Late 90s I had been friends with John, though due to some unfortunate circumstances we had a falling out. I also had a falling out with a friend of mine whom I've known since second grade, Jonathan. We had our problems and ultimately just went seperate ways.

One day, out of the blue I got a phonecall from this kid named Matt. I had known him previously but not extensively. He was introduced to me briefly through Jonathan during one of my last years in public school. I remember not liking him, that was for sure. He listened to bands like Metallica and really heavy music, some of which contributed to my dislike for him (Irony). At that time (2000-2001) I'd only listened to bands like Limp Bizkit (who believe it or not was my favorite band at one time), and Green Day, so something like Metallica never appealed to me.

Come the summer Matt and I became close friends, and hung out quite alot during that time. He was my best friend for quite a long time, and I'm thankful to have had him in my life for the moments he was. Most of the rest of 2003 was simple, not much went on. I was however, pretty excited to hear about Metallica's upcoming album "St. Anger". It was pretty poorly recieved but overall I really liked it. It was one of the moments in my life that I can remember being extremely excited for something.

It was also that year that I recieved my first musical instrument. A snare drum that would eventually push me into becoming an aspiring drummer. I even remember the day I went to buy it with my friend Chip (whom after doing some work for him, he offered to buy it for me). It would be used as a blueprint for my future hobby, which to this day is still very prominent in my life.

2004 was a great year I felt. April 1st I remember going to Kentucky with Chip (Matt was with me aswell) to see his brother in-law. He had set up a jamming space in his barn, so we could all play some music the whole day. Though at the time I was still very new to a drumkit, it was a fun learning experience. Something I'll remember for a long time. This was also the year I recieved my drum set. May 5th if I can remember correctly. It was quite a treat opening it up, and assembling it. The first song I can remember learning was "Frantic", and another Metallica tune, "Sad But True". My friend Matt was extatic at the thought of having someone to play with (He played guitar). From then on for about a year we played extensivley together, and even recorded an original song together. Though we did have a few minor gripes, among other personal issues. Matt at that time had met a girl named Jessica, whom I was familiar with from middle school (though I rarely talked with her, she was also involved with my then friend John for a brief period). He became enveloped into her world, something I didn't take to directly. In fact it wasn't until a few years after that, that we really all became close. Matt and I subsequently had a falling out of sorts. We stopped talking like we used to, and I was by myself again. I also started my first ever blog (A xanga, which is still open, though I never post in it) www.xanga.com/creepingdeath1123 .

At this time I was well into liking a girl by the name of Denise. She was in fact the one who I shared a kiss with (my first ever). I "chased" her as she called it for a good three years, from 2002 until early 2005. By late 2004 Matt and I were talking, but to a distant degree. He knew how I felt about him dating Jesse, which created a rift in our friendship. I had been talking to a few people at that time, most of which were females. One of which was a girl named Becca, who at the time I had absolutely no interest in. What a difference a few months makes.

By the end of 2004 we were ready to move out of our house, which was especially hard on me. I grew up in that house, and to be quite honest have not felt like I was at home since then. I have alot of memories there, and to this day miss it greatly. By March 2005 we found another house, and settled as best we could. Though as little time as we spent at this new house, I had some unforgettable memories there too. By this time I had come to terms with the fact that Denise wasn't going to bother with me. I waited all that time, hoping my patience would pay off. I gave up, and walked away. Having known and talked to Becca for some months by this time, I became infatuated with her. To the degree of even asking her out (which she denied), not thinking about the factors at play. She lived 238 miles from me, but I was desperate to find some sort of loving acceptance from anyone. We became inceasingly close, to the point of her moving here with me. That whole summer she was my sole focus. I had made attempts to reconciliate my friendship with Matt. For the most part it worked, but they were still pretty distant, which made Becca feel guilty. They would occasinally talk to us, but it was almost always passive, which hurt to see. I even remember crying, I was so upset with their rejection of her in my life. They never seemed to like her, even to this day.

She became my world, even to the point of agreeing to go with her to see her family for the Holidays. Though we did make it back for Christmas with my family, which was reassuring. I just turned 18 at this point, so the focus turned from her to getting a job, and becoming a "responsible adult" as it was called. I worked at a bank where my parents had previously. I inherited their duties and earned a steady paycheck from it.

For most if not all of 2006 I worked that job, and some other extentions of it (meaning I worked other places the job wanted me to, not just one specific place). Becca and I were slowly coming apart, and trying everything we could to fix it. By the early summer of 06 she had planned to go back home, and try to finish high school. I had hopes, that things would change and that she would come back, but not everything went the way I wanted. In fact, it was the complete opposite.

By the time she left I was holding down a steady, but minimal pay. She was doing her thing back home while I tried to keep my composure here. By November I had accepted the idea of her staying there for a year or so. She had been visiting every other month for a few days, so I had time to spend with her as best as we could do. I had started talking and hanging out with Matt and Jesse again, and things were going really well with all of us. Everything seemed right.

During a night in late November, I had decided to go and hang out with Matt and Jesse for a few. I had an idea to take my Mom's cell phone so that she could reach me, but also so I could reach Becca if I needed to. My Mom was reluctant, but let me take it with me. Some minutes later I decided to call the house, and apologize to her about fighting about the phone. This whole time I had a feeling about something, but for the life of me couldn't shake it off. It had lingered over me for Lord know's how long, but I felt something was off.

Then I got a phone call from someone, someone who claimed he was Becca's boyfriend, and was wondering why I would be talking to his girlfriend all the time. It's hard to say what one feels in stressful situations, but at this moment I felt something I don't think I'd ever felt before. I felt numb, completely frozen and shocked beyond belief. Physically sick and twisted on the inside.

Becca picked up the phone and I remember panicing, even to the point so much so, that I couldn't even cry. This concept of someone doing something so hurtful never hit me as hard as it did that night, and I was so foreign to these feelings that I had no idea how to feel. This was not the person I fell in love with.

2007 was rough, and most of not all of that time was spent trying to fix this hole in my life. It was extremely hard to overcome this, to just discard these feelings I had for someone for so long. But with her generally drastic personality change and behavior, it wasn't so hard after all. I was forced to sit back and listen time and again her excuses for being with him. I kept telling myself "this won't last and she'll come back to you". But she never did. Though I forged on, trying every bit to maintain a normal life without worry. Well, worry to this extent, anyway. I had cried too many times to count, and worried nonstop for 8 months straight, until I decided not to care anymore. For the last time, in August 2007 I would see her again. She had promised things were different, but she was already pregnant and had plans to stay with him from then on. I knew her promises were empty, so it didn't affect me as much anymore.

Then came 2008, which was considerably greater than the previous year had been, by far.

From Cloverfield, to TDK, to just feeling free for once, 2008 was all about something positive for me. Cloverfield persuaded me to join a message board by the name of http://www.cloverfieldmovieforums.com/ , in the hope that I wolud get some answers from the film's cryptic structure. From joining this place I gained a generally positive reputation among it's patrons, and made some really wonderful friends in the process. For the bulk of 2008 I was heavily involved with this place, and it's people. It wasn't just about Cloverfield, it was also about the movie experience in general. The place also helped me improve my social skills, and the way in which I approach strangers. Some of which weren't exactly the best forms of interaction (I'm pretty ashamed of the way I acted alot of times there), but some were also what helped push me into becoming as sociable as I am today. Silly as it sounds, this place was a form of therapy, and to my assurance, to alot of other people aswell.

Towards the end of my time there I grew increasingly frustrated with alot of the members. Board politics and favoritism, with overzealous opinions were what really pushed me to stray away from the community. I was way too comfortable there and felt as though I could say anything, so long as they took it the right way. But anyone who has experience dealing with people over the internet knows that when you say something out loud, it can easily come off as ten different types of emotions through text. I sight miscommunication and favoritsm but I also sight my own arrogance aswell.

2009 was yet another growing year for me. I had learned alot from my experience at the CMF, and made some friends along the way. Ones I'm glad that I had a chance to get to know outside of the boards.

By this year Matt and I were very close again. Just coming off of a previous relationship, and headfirst into another one, I was wary of his loyalties. But we were pretty close knit, he even took me to my first concert on May 1st. Unfortunately towards the end of the year him and I found ourselves back where we were in 2004 all over again. He had just gotten back together with Jesse, whom he split with in 2008. My main problem with Matt was that he would completely shut out people in his life, in favor of others. I finally, and regrettably came to him about it and told him how I felt about his attitude. He took to it rather harshly, and him and I haven't spoken since. I was greatly affected by this, and as I said before regret what I said wholeheartedly. I tried many times to apologize but it was too late by then.

One gneuinely good moment to come out of 2009 was the return of an old friend. Jonathan and I began to talk again and even started playing music together. Something that I had been wanting to do for a long time now. He took me to my second concert, September 15th. Metallica featuring Lamb of God and Gojira. What a show it was. I think I almost cried, I was so overwhelmed by the spectacle.

Most of the rest of the year was bits and pieces, but it was for the most part a great year. This was the year that I became reaquainted with many old friends from years past. That in itself was a dear aspect.

Which brings me to now. Not but one day until New Year's Eve and here I sit, typing out a decade's worth of my little boring life. My hope for 2010 is that I can finally finish a project I've had in mind for sometime now (will get to that later). To meet a girl and feel that happiness I haven't felt in a long while, and to truly apply myself. To once and for all be as successful as I need to be, to better myself.

It's been a trip, a long and sometimes rough one at that. But I came through and triumphed every single time. So until next time.